Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Tokio Hotel's Bill Kaulitz blogs exclusively for SheKnows about love, labels and his sexuality.
So, here I am. Sitting in my bed and writing about love. Next to me is my English bulldog, Pumba — the big love in my life. When I was asked to write something about love, I said yes right away, but now I'm thinking… what the f*** do I know about love?!
I guess I wanted to do it because ever since I can remember, I have believed in it. I believe in love and nothing but love. The big kind of love, the overwhelming, the completely out of control and over the top, the "I'd do anything for you" kind of love.
Why do I believe in it? I don't know, I have no idea. All I know is that I do.
From the time I was a little boy sitting in my room in my parents' house in a tiny little village with 800 souls called Loitsche in East Germany, where I grew up, I was consumed thinking about big cities, singing, being on stage and finding my big love. My twin bother, Tom, never understood that part. He didn't give a shit about that.
My friends sometimes make fun of me and almost everyone I know thinks I have a fairy tale idea about love and they always tell me it's not like how it is in the movies — that I'm way too romantic and that all of this is just my fantasy. They say, "In real life, love works way different!"
People think I'm so naive because I've never been hurt and all I think is that they probably got hurt too much. That's why they say stuff like that. That someone broke their heart or maybe they never really loved someone enough and that's why they can't relate to what I'm talking about.
The funny thing is that I'm probably the one who got hurt the most out of all these people put together. Heartbroken, completely destroyed, the worst kind of heartbreak you can imagine. Worse than I ever thought could happen to me. Betrayed, cheated on, taken advantage of. I'm saying this without telling the whole story, of course, but I want people to know that things like this happen to me, too — to the ones who seem to be "covered in gold."
Although I'm still trying to heal, I feel like I still believe — which is a good thing. I still believe in the magic, in the big once-in-a-lifetime love. Is it gonna happen to me? I don't know. I thought I had already found it once, so maybe not… but I'm hoping, because hope is what keeps all of us going and I truly believe that love is all we are here for! No other reason. Only love!
People like to categorize and label everything. That's less dangerous; it feels safer. Especially in the industry that I'm in. I feel like it drives people nuts not to know if there is a woman or a man in my bed. That's why I've been getting the ''gay question'' ever since I turned 13, when I started giving interviews. I always wondered… why does that even matter? I thought I was here to sing and perform for people?
I never felt like I owed any answers to anyone about it and it amuses me that they made such a big deal out of it. In my world, it's not that black and white and I think that the real question should be: Why are we asking this? Why does it matter? Why do we need labels? Can we not just live?
No one knows what's gonna happen in the next minute, the next second. Who knows who I may run into? Maybe I'm just about to meet someone who changes my life forever and, if that happens, does it really matter what gender they are? What I do know is that love is the one beautiful thing we can't control. We have no power over it. We don't know where it comes from and we never know when it's gonna hit us and that's the beauty of it.
So, I guess I'll wait and see… I hope I find the magic, the type that heals what's been broken and gives me wings.
My only advice is: Love who you want to love and love who loves you back. Life is way too short.
But, then again, what the f*** do I know?